absent

I have been living in Portland Oregon for a total of 7 months now. In that time, I have only traveled away from here twice. Not really by choice, I had a couple of trips planned to Austin early on but things got in the way and couldn't go. I have only been absent from Portland once for more corporate training in Rochester in January, and again last week for a much needed spring/face-tan/sunny ski trip to Vail with the Wise's minus Mitch, and Jane and Alex Reeser. In this time I have had to fully accept the fact that I no longer live in Texas and for that matter can survive without going back to Austin for a visit every quarter like I had planned. I have adapted to so many changes. I arrived here, and everything I owned didn't....for about 3 months I thought I would never see any of my belongings again. During this perfect shitstorm of moving, my stuff missing in action, Matt starting law school, starting a new job in a new field, Hanz adjusting to a completely new environment I was able to stay focused on the adventure before me and stay pretty positive. My body, after a few stress induced random sick days begun to thrive in the dewy Pac-nor. My animal Hanz....LOVES OREGON, epically going to visit Brent and Debbie and his best friend Lucy a little jack rus in the suburbs, he takes loop after loop around their unfenced backyard. He is also as in love with forest park as I am running like a crazy all over the trails with a big smile on his face here he could run for days, instead of laying down under the town lake bridges begging me to stop. I have been lucky enough to have my Austin bestie Brittany come out and visit, and have had both my mom and dad out to visit as well! All in all it has been a focused immersion on my new life and I am ultimately very happy here. 

However........the word absent keeps creeping it's way into my mind and it's hard to ignore. I have missed out on some BIG events since the move because of my new location and that has me missing home and drivability(not sure if that is a real word) more than ever. I have always been a visual creature, and a visualize my life in stages, places, moments, past and present.... and what I think it will "look" like. I have pictured moments along the way, like being at the hospital the day my best friend has her first child. We met in college, Freshman year and Kristin (Kritter) and I were an instant pair. I was her maid of honor just over a year ago when she married Steve. I missed the birth of her first child!!!!!! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???? When you live so far away, absence is a part of life. You get a text msg from her at 2am saying her water broke and there is nothing you can do to get there....nothing. It was a helpless feeling for me, she didn't "need" me at all but I wanted to be there because I needed to replace all of the made up thoughts of what that day would look like with real memories. I also wanted more than anything to hold that little piece of her on his premier into the world...on day one! Obviously I will get to hold the little guy and hug my best friend in the coming weeks as I have planned a trip to see the Bagwells but missing that day will probably stick with me forever. I have never wanted to be able to teleport more than that morning. It has had me thinking that this will certainly not be the last big event I miss in the lives of the people whom I love and who made me who I am today. I know that each one of them get's it and that is why I have them as friends, I have missed out on their big days to plant the stepping stones for my big days and I guess that is what life is all about for some. I have missed an engagement party I planned, I have missed a road trip with my brothers to see my dad for Christmas, I have missed seeing my brothers on a weekely basis, I have missed watching my friends babies turn into little kids and I have missed day to day happening in the lives of those I am closest to.  For those of us that have an inexhaustible desire for newness, who were raised with a gypsy soul, and are brave enough to take a chance on a future that is uncertain of anything but more changes we will be absent from time to time.

I am sure that someday when I am in the quiet of my little life reflecting  I will be able to see it all so clear, the actual memories in which I was physically present will be blurred with my made up visualizations of moments I missed along the way...and I won't be able to remember what was real and what wasn't. It won't matter because when you are truly there in spirit it really is as if you never left at all.