Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I wish I knew now what I knew then.....

The common phrase is obviously reversed in my title post, most say I wish I knew then what I know now, but I challenge that today because I think just the opposite....

I kept a journal, pretty religiously from 1998 to 2005ish. Sometimes I look back on say.. high school Andi and read the thoughts and patterns of my brain and I am so in love with that girl. Fearless, lawless, winged, undefined as she was....she knew a lot. This could be a novel of a post, but I am keeping it short. Today I was cleaning a closet in my place because I am renting it out over the weekend to some people from NYC. As I cleared clutter for the incoming designer clothing sure to hang in there soon, I found my study abroad box from Spain. In the box, I found my Spain Journal, mustard yellow leather, tattered thick cream colored unlined pages and a black ribbon tying it together. As I thumbed through in a shy manner 2 pages stuck out to me, and rang so true...these words I wrote in think black ink on July 7th of 2003. I would have been 21 years old to put it in context I was homesick for Texas, and my father had just informed me he was considering a move from our home town of Panhandle where I grew up and knew nothing but... to Montana. (this move eventually came to fruition) I found out of his "better jump ship this bastard is sinking fast" plan while I was living in Spain and after a long rant about the utter disposition of my childhood...this was my finale. Today and since then after moving my belongings some 16 times, to 14 different residences over 5 states in less than 10 years for multiple reasons I love it more today than ever....

"I want to be near my family, If my dad moves, then my mom moves, then who knows where Trent will be and Luke....where will we all end up? Opposite ends of the world, just as we are now? In this moment where I have discovered this information? I mean really just as things are seeming normal, or "kind-of normal" EVERYTHING CHANGES. I guess that is the only true thing I know besides everyone dies, is that things can and will always change, so hold steadfastly onto memories & moments because they disappear into your conscience until one day your body needs to feel them."

Until one day your body needs to feel them? Who is this brilliant 21 year old?! Damn girl come over and have a glass of wine with me tonight......because it just so happens that my body needs to feel some of these very same memories today.

Life is repetition, you will learn, and re-learn the lessons over and over again.  If you are one who tends to log these trends, you will shock the shit out of yourself with your own knowledge drop from time to time. It is enough motivation for me to start a journal again...honestly. Based on the knowledge that my 20 something self is dropping on my 30 year old self, my 40 year old self supremely needs my  30 year old self to write down some of the day to day so I can look back...remember...feel. It will test your true center because you know you are an intelligent being and you continue to ask yourself...."haven't I learned this already" and they answer is YES, you have learned this already but you didn't hear the whole answer because you weren't ready for it. This fact leaves me excited about my life, my future, knowing I know so little about where it will all go, but trusting that this little 21 year old girl had this kind of wisdom, and this 30 year old girl today writing this is full of grit, stories, and open to all of her existence, the past that fumbled her way to this present and naturally will fumble her way into her future....armed with one true thing. Love. I am proud of her and I want it to stay that way.

Much Love,


  1. goddammit, I love you. I do! .. I have had this happen recently, too... looking back at old things and realizing the wisdom they contained. I think the lessons get deeper. Same subject. Next class up the line.. If I didn't say love you already, love you! PS: who is drew? is that a nickname?

  2. Man, I would not have survived without that girl. I didn't call her "Mama" for nothing...